Some relationship red flags are obvious; others are more subtle. All have the potential of being overlooked, excused, or denied. All are reasons to stop, look, and listen to what is going on and carefully consider whether or not you should continue in the relationship. All have the potential of desensitizing you to their effects the longer you are in the relationship and of drawing you into the dysfunction to where it becomes harder to clearly see the problems in your partner.

1. Emotional reactivity: Your partner creates drama and turmoil frequently by being upset, sensitive, moody, angry, and reactive over things that aren’t really a big deal to you. As a result, you have to put energy into explaining what you really meant, apologizing, and trying to fix your partner’s feelings. As a result of this emotional reactivity, you find yourself walking on eggshells and afraid to be yourself.

2. Jealousy, suspiciousness, possessiveness, and accusations: You partner accuses you of being unfaithful, is suspicious of your relationships, acts like he/she owns you and your time, and shows extreme jealousy. This distrust is unrelated to a history of you being unfaithful or untrustworthy.

3. Excesses that bother you: Anything your partner does to excess that bothers you now has the potential to bother you more later on. These include addictions, relationships, sports, work, and personality traits. This is even worse if the person is defensive about the issue when you bring it up.

4. Lying: If you have caught your partner in lies, you can assume there will be more lies in the future, unless the issue underlying the lies is resolved.

5. Control: Your partner tries to control who you see, what you do, and how you live your life. At first, this may feel caring, but the underlying issues behind control are deep and lead to abuse later on.

6. Emotional/verbal/physical abuse: Your partner uses manipulative and controlling tactics such as put downs, minimizing, ridicule, name calling, discounting, hostile anger, threats, withdrawal, and physical violence. These are all forms of abuse and only get worse the longer you are in the relationship.

7. Problems in your partner’s personal life: Whether it is with children, finances, business, family, friends, work, physical health, mental health, or sexual problems, these will become your problem(s), if the relationship continues.

8. Self-doubt: You find yourself questioning yourself and wondering if you are crazy, overreacting, oversensitive, mean, or selfish, because your partner is telling you that you are the problem in the relationship.

9. Partner’s family/friends don’t like you: Your partner’s family or friends (children, parents, siblings, close friends) don’t like or accept you. Carefully consider the effect on your life and relationship, especially if your partner doesn’t validate your concerns.

10. Partner’s past relationship baggage is unresolved: Your partner needs to have worked through past relationships to be ready to have a new relationship. This includes working through the anger and sadness, accepting that the relationship is over, and having a balanced perspective about his/her part. Otherwise, unfinished business will spill onto you.

11. Different values, beliefs, lifestyles and likes: Your partner doesn’t have to be your clone, but you need more than physical attraction to build a happy life together.

12. Caretaking: You find yourself taking over your partner’s responsibilities, fixing problems, and helping him/her to be a better person.

13. Your family and friends don’t like your partner: Unless they have a history of not wanting you to be happy, their objective observations need your attention and consideration. Your family and friends know you and care about you and can see things you may have already desensitized yourself to.

14. Inability to resolve conflict: Your partner is unable to resolve conflict and unwilling to learn how to communicate better. Conflict is healthy, as long as it leads to better understanding and mutual cooperation; the inability to resolve conflict and communicate in a healthy manner leads to dysfunction and pain.

15. Hoping for change: You are already telling yourself that your partner needs to change. This means you see the red flags but are willing to convince yourself that they will go away rather than lose the relationship.

Red flags are there to protect you. If you are dating, all you have to do is to decide not to continue the relationship. If you are married, it is more complicated, but nevertheless, these areas need your attention in order for your life to get better.

 
 
View this YouTube Video on 15 Relationship Red Flags…