One of my subscribers recently asked me a good question: What is the difference between a boundary and a wall? Here is my answer.

A boundary protects you, as does a wall, but a wall keeps everything out. A boundary should keep the bad out while allowing the good in. If a boundary keeps everyone and everything out, as is the case with someone who puts up walls to keep everyone out due to their inability to trust after betrayal, then it is too rigid.

• A boundary can be easily changed; a wall takes a huge amount of effort to be torn down.
• A boundary offers an opportunity for the other person to respond to requests for changes; a wall doesn’t, as it prevents interaction and hides the fact that the person has changed.
• A boundary is flexible, allowing it to be changed as time goes on; a wall is inflexible, as it is all or nothing—it’s either completely up or completely down.
• A boundary allows you to be seen; a wall isolates you and prevents you from being seen.
• A boundary allows you to feel your emotions; a wall shuts down your emotions.
• A boundary respects other people’s right to have their own boundaries; a wall doesn’t allow give and take with anyone, since it shuts people out.
• A boundary can be used to cut off a toxic, unchanging relationship. But even then, one person can ask for change, and if the other person agrees and changes, contact can resume. A wall cuts the other person off.

A boundary is simply what you will and will not do. You get to decide what works for you in each situation. You get to decide how much and under what conditions you can risk vulnerability, trust, and interaction. People put up walls out of fear, an inability to trust, and an unwillingness to set proper boundaries. Walls aren’t healthy; boundaries are.

By Karla Downing
 

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,
 
Help me to recognize when I put up walls instead of boundaries. Help me to have clarity as to the boundaries I should set in each of my relationships.
 

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Look at the contrasts between a boundary and a wall. Do you have any walls in your relationships?
• If so, are you willing to tear them down as you put up appropriate boundaries?

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 15:12
“Mockers resent correction, so they avoid the wise” (NIV).

To their own demise, fools put up walls that keep good things out.

Proverbs 18:19
“A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city; disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel” (NIV).

Hurts that put up walls are not easy to break down.