How does expecting too much affect our relationships?

A woman shared the following awareness with me:

I have been disappointed with my husband for most of the twenty-six years of my marriage and allowed my husband to know that I was unhappy with him. Unbelievably, I just recognized that the problem has been my unrealistic expectations for this man. My father wasn’t a good dad or husband and didn’t give me a role model for what a man should be. I realize that I created a perfect man in my head and compare my husband to this ideal man. How could he ever be that perfect? He was doomed to failure because my standards were way too high. I shared this insight with my husband and apologized for adding pressure to our relationship. Several days later, I asked him how he felt about my change. He answered simply, ‘Under-pressured.’ I don’t know if that is even a word, but it accurately expresses the relief that he must feel compared to the over-pressure I have applied for years.

We expect people in our lives to do what we want them to do and be who we want them to be. When they don’t measure up, we typically apply pressure in a number of ways. We get angry. We pout. We withdraw. We criticize. We lecture. We express disappointment and disapproval in subtle and obvious ways. Regardless of how we do it, we communicate the message that the person isn’t good enough.

The effect of our disapproval varies and is related to the personality and ego strength of the person. If the person has a strong self-image, they might be able to detach from our unrealistic expectations; but if they don’t, we can crush them emotionally. Many adults continue to struggle with poor self-esteem as a result of perfectionistic and unrealistic parental expectations. Many husbands and wives struggle with feeling unloved and unaccepted by their partners.

All of us struggle with being good enough. All of us struggle with self-acceptance. All of us struggle with being adequate. All of us struggle with shame. All of us desire to be accepted for who we are. And, all of us want unconditional love.

We need to evaluate our expectations for our loved ones. Expectations should:

• Be reasonable and realistic.
• Make room for people to be themselves.
• Allow people to make mistakes.
• Be communicated in a way that owns the expectation as your opinion, view, need, or preference rather than judging the other person as wrong for not meeting your expectation.

This isn’t saying that you can’t set boundaries on behavior that isn’t acceptable or that you can’t express your needs or wants. It just means that you need to evaluate your expectations so that you are not expecting too much. Make sure they are reasonable before letting the people you love know that you are disappointed with them. One of the greatest gifts you can offer those you love is to communicate that they are good enough—just as they are.

By Karla Downing

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,

Make me aware of my expectations for the people I love. Help me see whether they are reasonable or unreasonable. Help me communicate unconditional love and acceptance to my loved ones instead of disapproval and disappointment.

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Pay attention to the expectations you have for your loved ones.
• Adjust them so they are reasonable and realistic.
• Communicate unconditional love and acceptance whether or not your expectations are met.
• Risk asking your loved ones if they feel over-pressured or under-pressured by you.

Scripture Meditation

 
Jeremiah 31:3I

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (NIV).

God’s love is unconditional. It draws us to him rather than pushing us away.

Colossians 3:12

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (NIV).

Our unreasonable expectations are the opposite of all these characteristics.