Our bodies are programmed to automatically respond to trauma and danger. Anything that is a potential threat alerts the lower part of our brains before we even recognize it has happened. It could be a sound, sight, smell, taste, or touch that brings up a traumatic memory or something else that triggers an autonomic nervous system response.

There are four responses to trauma and threats. Two of them are probably familiar to you. They are fight-or-flight. You either gear up to engage the threat and beat it back, or you flee to get away. Whether you get into a fistfight or a screaming match, post a negative rant on social media, or hire an attorney, you are fighting to protect your interests. When you plan to leave a job or relationship hastily, deny the problem exists, get lost in your job, or use substances to numb your pain, you are fleeing.

The next response is to freeze. It is a temporary stall giving you time to decide how you want to react. Your nervous system is primed to protect you and when it is overwhelmed, it can shut down. It may do this when someone looks at you angrily or raises their voice reminding you of the raging parent you grew up with. It may also happen when you hear bad news that feels threatening. If you find yourself shutting down emotionally, mentally, and/or physically unable to move, speak, or think, you are likely freezing.

The fourth is a term by therapist Pete Walker, called a fawn response. This describes a behavior that attempts to pacify, please, or appease the person or thing that is posing the threat. He noticed it with survivors of abuse and sexual trauma. In relationships, this may be anticipating and meeting a person’s needs, agreeing with an aggressor, not sharing your opinion, doing what the person demands, neglecting your own needs, walking on eggshells, or not setting boundaries out of fear of the person’s response.

Pay attention to your trauma response pattern, recognizing it as an automatic nervous system protection. Identify your triggers with various people. You may find yourself doing more than one with a particular person depending on what is happening. And don’t forget to identify the trauma responses and triggers of people around you. Doing this will give you insight into your relationship dynamics.
 

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,
 
Help me recognize how I respond to trauma. I desire to be more aware of what is going on in my heart, my mind, and my soul, and especially how it impacts my relationships.
 

Relationship Devotional Challenge

 
When you experience trauma and threats, which one of these do you do?
 

• Fight: You gear up to defeat the threat.
• Flee: You run away to avoid the threat.
• Freeze: You shut down instead of responding.
• Fawn: You appease to pacify the threat.

 
Which one does your significant other do?
 

Scripture Meditation

 
Fight

So Abimelek and all his troops set out by night and took up concealed positions near Shechem in four companies. Now Gaal son of Ebed had gone out and was standing at the entrance of the city gate just as Abimelek and his troops came out from their hiding place. When Gaal saw them, he said to Zebul, “Look, people are coming down from the tops of the mountains!” Zebul replied, “You mistake the shadows of the mountains for men.” But Gaal spoke up again: “Look, people are coming down from the central hill, and a company is coming from the direction of the diviners’ tree.” Then Zebul said to him, “Where is your big talk now, you who said, ‘Who is Abimelek that we should be subject to him?’ Aren’t these the men you ridiculed? Go out and fight them!” ( Judges 9:34-38, NIV)

Flee

My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.” ( Psalms 55:4-8, NIV)

Freeze

On the fourteenth night we were still being driven across the Adriatic Sea, when about midnight the sailors sensed they were approaching land. They took soundings and found that the water was a hundred and twenty feet deep. A short time later they took soundings again and found it was ninety feet deep. Fearing that we would be dashed against the rocks, they dropped four anchors from the stern and prayed for daylight. In an attempt to escape from the ship, the sailors let the lifeboat down into the sea, pretending they were going to lower some anchors from the bow. Then Paul said to the centurion and the soldiers, “Unless these men stay with the ship, you cannot be saved.” So the soldiers cut the ropes that held the lifeboat and let it drift away. Just before dawn Paul urged them all to eat. “For the last fourteen days,” he said, “you have been in constant suspense and have gone without food—you haven’t eaten anything. Now I urge you to take some food. You need it to survive. Not one of you will lose a single hair from his head.” After he said this, he took some bread and gave thanks to God in front of them all. Then he broke it and began to eat. They were all encouraged and ate some food themselves. (Acts 27:27-36, NIV)

Fawn

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’” Then they remembered his words. (Luke 24:1-8, NIV)