Communication is a vital part of a healthy relationship. Likewise, every unhealthy relationship lacks healthy communication. One of the components of an unhealthy relationship is stonewalling. This is one of the four horses of the apocalypse identified by John Gottman that predicted whether couples would divorce with 90% accuracy.

Stonewalling is just like it sounds. It is putting up a wall made of stone. Stone walls are unmovable. You can’t see through them, and you can’t get around them. If you want to resolve something or discuss something in your relationship, you don’t want to come up against a stone wall.

Here are some ways stonewallers keep you from getting anywhere:

• Ignore you by pretending they don’t hear you or understand what you are saying.
• Respond to you as if you are saying something so stupid that you don’t deserve their attention.
• Refuse to stop what they are doing to listen to you.
• Refuse to discuss your concerns.
• Respond angrily and talk over you to prevent you from speaking.
• Use body language to communicate disdain such as eye-rolling, smirking, vile hand gestures, and more.
• Give you the silent treatment.

When you are dealing with a stonewaller, you feel discounted, unvalidated, thwarted, frustrated, and eventually angry and resentful. When your feelings aren’t heard and conflicts aren’t resolved, intimacy is disrupted, and negative feelings increase. Sometimes, you build your own wall as a way of defending yourself.

People stonewall when they feel attacked or pressured. It can occur when a particular conversation or situation is overwhelming. In these cases, it is possible to come back when the person has had time to think and is calmer. On the other hand, if someone uses stonewalling to avoid all discussion and accountability consistently, you may have to set boundaries to try to get some movement in the relationship. Otherwise, you will be settling for never being heard and valued in the relationship.
 

Relationship Devotional Prayer

 
God,
 
Help me not to use stonewalling to avoid discussing the things that are important to other people. If other people stonewall me, help me to recognize that they may feel overwhelmed temporarily. On the other hand, give me the courage to set boundaries with people who repeatedly stonewall me.
 

Relationship Devotional Challenge

• Is stonewalling happening in any of your relationships by you or the other person?
• Now that you recognize it, what do you need to do?

Scripture Meditation

 
Proverbs 27:3

Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both (NIV).

Proverbs 17:13

If a man pays back evil for good, evil will never leave his house (NIV).

You cannot have a healthy relationship when someone returns your goodwill with a refusal to address the problems.