Verbal and emotional abuse is a common component of difficult relationships. It is more prevalent than physical abuse and harder to recognize. You know when you are being hit, but you don’t always know when you are being emotionally and verbally abused; yet, it is vitally important that you recognize it.

Parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, spouses, bosses, co-workers, boyfriends, girlfriends, and anyone else can be emotionally and verbally abusive. The closer the relationship and the more contact and involvement you have the more you will be affected.

Abusive relationships are not equal partnerships where both people have equal rights and equal power because abusers always need to be in control and maintain a one-upmanship stance. If they sense the balance of power is shifting, they will do something to re-establish their control. As a result, it is not possible to have a healthy relationship.

It is critical to recognize that the abuser does not operate from the same perspective as the healthy person in wanting to fix the relationship. There is a lack of concern that the relationship is unhealthy, hurtful, and broken. As a result, you need to recognize the following things:

• The abuser does not want to achieve understanding or resolve issues.
• The abuser does not want to treat you with respect.
• The abuser does not want to hear your opinions, feelings, and thoughts.

You must recognize this truth. If you don’t, you will continue to explain how you feel and what you need in the hopes that the abuser will finally understand and change. This keeps you stuck in the relationship, tolerating the abuse, and focused on figuring out how to explain yourself in a way that the abuser will finally understand. It is wasted emotional energy that is better spent in getting yourself strong enough to set boundaries.
 
How to Respond to Verbal and Emotional Abuse 

There are a variety of ways to respond to abuse when it happens. Be careful to only do what doesn’t escalate the abuse. And always put SAFETY FIRST, especially with physical abuse. When you take a stand in an abusive relationship, it often signals to abusers that they are losing control and they will respond by escalating the abuse to re-establish their power.

If there is physical violence, be careful about leaving. Physical violence intensifies when the abused tries to leave. Get help from someone who understands abuse to make a safe plan.

In the meantime, you can try these things to take care of yourself in an abusive relationship, until you are strong enough to leave.

• Leave the room/house temporarily.
• Do what it takes to calm things down rather than arguing and escalating.
• Don’t defend yourself because it doesn’t work and makes you look guilty. Plus, the abuser is skilled at manipulation and will probably make you doubt yourself if you give the opportunity.
• Don’t share your feelings in the hope that the abuser will finally understand.
• Don’t be vulnerable in the hopes that the abuser will see how hurt you are and stop.
• Don’t be weak.
• Protect yourself and the children. If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for them.
• Do what you need to take care of yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
• Learn how to detach from the abuse and abuser by recognizing that it isn’t about you.
• Validate yourself. Do what it takes to make yourself feel sane and to stand in your own truth. Don’t believe the lies or allow the abuser to define you.
• Seek others who can validate you so you will begin to trust your feelings and perceptions instead of believing the abuser’s reality.
• Learn about abuse so you can recognize all the tactics that the abuser uses.
• Work on building your self-esteem so you will gain the strength to set boundaries.
• When you are strong enough, use simple statements that speak to the abuse (if it is safe to do so). Tell the abuser not to speak to you that way. State that it isn’t true, if what is being said is a lie. Tell the abuser to stop whatever is being done that is abusive. State your boundaries regarding the abuse: “I won’t talk to you when you are yelling at me.” “I won’t be with you when you treat me this way.” “I won’t go with you when you are angry.” “I won’t drive in the car with you when you are scaring me.” “I won’t give you all my money.”