So you have come to the conclusion that you are probably in an abusive relationship. Now what? Good question. Here are the three major things you need to do:

Get Knowledgeable

Physical abuse is fairly obvious, but verbal and emotional abuse are subtle and difficult to recognize but every bit as damaging. You need to read about abuse so you can recognize how the abuser uses various tactics to control and punish you. They include physical violence, name calling, minimizing, ridiculing, threats, undermining, hostile anger, belittling, silent treatments, withholding, interrogation, ordering, and intimidation along with denying that any of these occur. You also need to understand how the abuse affects you and how to respond.

You need to become acquainted with your legal and financial rights, especially if the abuser keeps money and assets hidden from you or if you are considering a legal separation or a divorce. You also need to understand your rights regarding restraining orders and having an abusive person removed from your home. When children are involved, you need to know how to protect them and what your rights will be regarding child custody. Make an appointment with an attorney to get basic questions answered unless your local shelter can give you the information you need.

Get Support

It is not unusual for people in abusive relationships to be isolated. They pull away from people outside their relationships because they are embarrassed and because the abuser purposefully keeps them isolated from other people as a way of increasing control. Abusive relationships are by nature confusing and some with physical violence can be life threatening. It is imperative that you set up a support system to help you figure out what is going on and what you need to do.

That support system can consist of licensed counselors, clergy (as long as the person understands abuse and is supportive), friends, family members and domestic violence shelters and centers.  The police will come when you call them when you feel threatened and when violence has occurred. If you don’t know where the local shelters are, you can call your local police department and ask them if they have a list.

It is also important that you have a safe place to go in case you need to leave suddenly. Find someone you trust that will allow you to come any time night or day. Keep a bag in your car with a change of clothes, some money, and other necessities.  And, don’t plan to leave a physically abusive relationship (unless it is an immediate emergency) without guidance from someone who understands abuse because that is when the most violence occurs.

Get Strong

Abuse destroys your self-esteem and as a result, you doubt yourself and lose your self-confidence. The abuser may be telling you that you cause the abuse or that you are crazy and none of your feelings, thoughts, and perceptions are true. You may even be told that no one else would ever love or want you.

You have to rebuild your self-esteem by knowing that you don’t cause the abuse and you don’t deserve the abuse. You have to learn to validate your feelings, thoughts, and perceptions regardless of what the abuser tells you. You have to believe in yourself and recognize that it is the abuse that has torn you down and that it isn’t true that no one else would love or want you.

You get strong by doing things to take care of yourself: reconnect with friends, get into groups, get a job, enroll in classes to build your skills, exercise, and anything else that reminds you that you are valuable as a person.

If you are in an abusive relationship, make a plan to get support, get knowledgeable, and get strong.  It is what you will have to do to either stop the abuse or get out.