A successful marriage requires a significant investment of effort, and even more so when a spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome. Asperger’s is a developmental disorder that affects the ability to be effective in socialization and communication. As a result, the marital relationship can be fraught with many challenges.

One of those is feeling incredibly lonely and emotionally disconnected from your spouse. Many people have spent decades in a marriage and been aware of the deep pain and isolation without any clue that what they were dealing with was a spouse with Asperger’s. Learning about this syndrome may be the missing piece in your search for understanding what is wrong with your marriage.

In 2013, the DSM-V combined formerly separately diagnosed Asperger’s Disorder and Autism into one category of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Medical experts consider Asperger’s to be a mild form of Autism, and in general, it manifests without extreme mental and language disabilities. Many Asperger’s do not see themselves as Autistic and prefer to be recognized as Aspies.

Symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome

 
Difficulty in developing friendships. They may have some superficial acquaintances but not have deeper friendships due to a lack of social skills.

Inability to empathize. They often do not understand why another person is upset and hurt.

Social awkwardness. You may notice that they miss out on things in group conversations and as a result, find yourself feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Narrowed interests. Aspies often have special interests that they fixate on and fail to recognize that others don’t share their interests.

Strong adherence to a routine. This helps them manage their anxiety and reduce their stress because they feel most secure with predictability.

Literal interpretations. They tend to not understand sarcasm, analogies, indirect references, metaphors and other abstract communications and instead will interpret them literally.

Poor motor skills. They may appear clumsy, have poor handwriting, and poor eye-hand coordination.

Weak muscle tone. They may have floppy muscles, poor posture, and slightly slurred annunciation of words.

Poor pragmatic skills. Their understanding of social cues and nonverbal cues such as such as body language, gestures, and facial expressions is poor to non-existent.

Repetitive motor mannerisms. They may have repetitive and self-stimulating body movements such as finger tapping, word/phrase repetitions, mouth smacking sounds, or tics.

Abnormal language and speech patterns. Speech and phrases may sound scripted, robotic, sing/song, or monotone.

Sensory sensitivities. They may have difficulty in their filtering, organizing, receiving, and making use of sensory information to where they are over stimulated when exposed to noises that are loud, lights that are bright and/or textures or tastes that are unpleasant.

Personal space irregularities. They are challenged in respecting and understanding another person’s need for personal space; yet can be intolerant about their own personal space being infringed upon.

Lack of reciprocity. There is an unawareness of what their loved one thinks or feels, even when told, because they tend to only see their point of view.

Deceptive charm. They can wear a mask of charm in front of others and can even lie to save face.

Trouble with criticism. Even constructive criticism may be poorly received. They may respond to it with meltdowns, shutdowns, stonewalling, and gaslighting.

Sexual dysfunctions. Some can be hypersexual with a strong interest in pornography while others can be asexual or show little interest in sexual intercourse.

Video game addiction. Video games are a safe non-judgmental place to decompress from their outside world of stress and anxiety which makes them at increased risk for addiction to them.

Other Comorbid Diagnoses with Asperger’s Syndrome

 
Anxiety Disorders

Obsessive Compulsive Disorders

Depression

Bipolar Disorder

Attention Deficit Disorder

Dissociation

Sleep Disorders

Ways to Cope When Your Spouse Has Asperger’s Syndrome

 
Seek God first. Focus on your relationship with the Lord and with finding fellowship for yourself regardless of whether your husband does.

Care for yourself. Make time for taking care of your needs and making a fulfilling life for yourself. Prioritize taking care of your physical, emotional, and relational needs.

Use healthy detachment. Stop taking the Aspies’ behavior personal. Stop expecting more from your Aspie spouse than he/she can deliver. Stop beating yourself up for how you feel.

Educate yourself about Asperger’s Syndrome through books and websites.

Find support groups for emotional support. You need someone trustworthy with whom to share and pray for you. One of these is a Facebook Support Group called “My Aspie and Me.”

Seek therapy from someone who understands Asperger’s to learn strategies to help you cope.

Set boundaries when it is something you cannot tolerate and accept.
 

 
Here is a podcast interview I did with two women who understand these dynamics.