Reasons the Abused Stays

Unless you immediately recognize the abusive behavior and cut-off the relationship, you get entangled and it takes time to get enough clarity and strength to set boundaries.

Here are the reasons people stay in abusive relationships:

• They don’t want to end the relationship.
• They are in a dependent relationship such as a marriage or parent-child relationship and it is difficult or complicated to leave.
• They are afraid to be on their own.
• They want the kids to have a father and a mother together.
• They fear financial loss and instability.
• They are being threatened by the abuser in some way and are fearful.
• They believe it is their own fault.
• They believe no one else will love them.
• They don’t want to be alone.
• They don’t want the children to be unsupervised with the abuser.
• They fear that others will judge them for leaving.
• They don’t feel capable of taking care of themselves.
• They believe they deserve the abuse.
• They don’t know any better.
• They minimize the abuse and excuse it.
• They are confused and can’t see clearly what is and isn’t abusive and what is and isn’t their fault in the relationship problems.
• They lack social support and financial resources.

 
Reasons the Abused Finally Leaves

Intimate and familial relationships aren’t easily abandoned and financial insecurity makes it hard to leave a job. It takes time to get to the point to be willing to cut-off a relationship with a spouse, family member, partner, or boss. In order to do so, the abused must be able to clearly see the abuse, know that it isn’t okay, and gain the strength to leave.

It depends on the pattern and what is at stake. If the person doesn’t have much to lose and has been in multiple marriages or relationships that ended, it might be easy to walk out. If there are children and it is a first marriage, it may be harder.

That happens when:

• They finally see the abuse for what it is and realize that they deserve to be treated better.
• They realize they deserve to have a good life where they can be who they are without fear of being abused.
• They are unwilling to live with the abuse one more day.
• They stop believing and hoping it will stop.
• They recognize that it isn’t good for the children to see them taking the abuse.
• They realize that if they keep doing the same thing that nothing will change and the only hope is taking a firm stand against the abuse.
• They realize that they are getting weaker and have to get out while they can.
• They know that they will feel better once they get out and the abuse stops.